


Won't Be Lost Forever

by lionheartedghost



Series: Evan Buckley Week 2020 [6]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Season/Series 02, Pre-Season/Series 03
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:14:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23366773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lionheartedghost/pseuds/lionheartedghost
Summary: “Bobby said you wouldn’t talk to him last time he came in.” The chair by the side of the bed scraped back against the linoleum. “You want to tell me what’s going on?”Buck opened his eyes. Eddie looked patiently back at him, passing a hospital canteen cup of coffee back and forth between his hands.“I won’t let you do this,” Eddie said when he didn’t answer, setting the paper cup on the little table beside him. “I won’t let you shut us out.”Eddie helps Buck with his recovery following the ladder truck incident.Written for Evan Buckley Week, Day 6: "“I won’t let you do this.” + angst
Relationships: Evan “Buck” Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: Evan Buckley Week 2020 [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1675246
Comments: 9
Kudos: 303





	Won't Be Lost Forever

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Evan Buckley Week, Day 6: “I won’t let you do this.” + angst, and for @buckleystrand on Tumblr who asked for more of Eddie helping Buck get back on his feet (literally) after the accident.
> 
> Title taken from 'Don't Give In' by Snow Patrol.
> 
> Also posted on Tumblr.

Everything was so much quieter this way. Clutching the pillow over his head he almost couldn’t hear the irritating beep of the machines. He could forget about the smell of disinfectant lingering so strongly in the room he was _sure_ he could taste it in the air. And, if he _really_ tried, he could pretend not to notice the pain coursing through his leg.  
  
“You stay under there too long, you’ll suffocate.”  
  
“I wont,” Buck muttered. “I’m not that lucky.”  
  
Hands tugged at the pillow; Buck tightened his grip on it.  
  
“Buck.” This time, the hands successfully pried the pillow away. “Look at me.”  
  
Buck groaned, screwing his eyes shut against the bright white light of the hospital room.  
  
There it was. That smell. The beeping. The _pain_.  
  
“Bobby said you wouldn’t talk to him last time he came in.” The chair by the side of the bed scraped back against the linoleum. “You want to tell me what’s going on?”  
  
Buck opened his eyes. Eddie looked patiently back at him, passing a hospital canteen cup of coffee back and forth between his hands.  
  
“I won’t let you do this,” Eddie said when he didn’t answer, setting the paper cup on the little table beside him. “I won’t let you shut us out.”  
  
Eddie still had to force himself not to stare at the cast. Buck could see it in the way Eddie’s jaw clenched, how he made such a point of focusing on Buck’s face. The others did it too, he’d noticed, but none of them had it completely down to an art like Eddie did. They’d slip up sometimes, glance at the door as a nurse wheeled a trolley past, and as they turned back to him their attention would catch on the blinding white plaster. They didn’t mean to, he knew that. But they couldn’t help it.  
  
Buck leant against his one remaining pillow and tipped his head back to study the ceiling. He’d already counted the tiles (32½ - the last row was half in his room and half in the hall), but he counted them again, just to be sure. Just so he wouldn’t have to see the determination in Eddie’s eyes. Buck didn’t have the energy for it.  
  
“Bobby said your first PT session went well?” There was a creaking of plastic as Eddie sat back. “He said you made great progress.”  
  
Buck scoffed.  
  
“Oh, so you _can_ hear me.” Eddie drummed his fingers absently against the arms of the chair. “Buck, I know it’s hard-”  
  
“You have no idea what it’s like.” His voice was raspy from lack of use. Eddie was right: he hadn’t spoken to Bobby when he’d come to check up on him after his PT session. He hadn’t spoken to the friendly nurse who’d taken a shine to him when she’d come in to ask if there was anything she could get him before her shift ended. He hadn’t even spoken to Maddie when she’d stopped by before her shift that morning. There was still an uncomfortable pang of guilt in his chest from that one; he was sure he’d heard her crying as she’d left.  
  
“Okay,” Eddie nodded. “So tell me.”  
  
Buck pushed himself up into a sitting position as best he could; he didn’t miss the way Eddie’s hands twitched, as if fighting the urge to help him.  
  
“It took two people to help me stand up on my own, Eddie.” Buck swallowed, blinking away the tears of frustration that wouldn’t seem to leave him alone. “I’m twenty-eight, and I need help to _stand up_.”  
  
“You were crushed by a firetruck,” Eddie replied without blinking. “Being able to stand up at all, with or without help, after a couple weeks? It’s a miracle.”  
  
“And everybody keeps doing _that_ , too.” Buck waved a hand, grimacing as he unintentionally tugged on his IV line. “Making a big deal out of every tiny thing I do. Like I’m a dog they’re patting on the head.” Buck huffed a sigh.  
  
“Buck.” Eddie clasped his hands together in his lap to stop himself fidgeting. “Three weeks ago we honestly thought we’d be getting dressed up to go to your funeral.”  
  
Buck dropped his gaze to the bedsheets.  
  
“Every minute we spent out in the waiting room we thought a doctor was about to come out and tell us you hadn’t made it. But you _did_. Buck, everybody’s making a big deal out of everything you do because we didn’t think we’d ever get to see you do anything again. We’re proud of you, and we’re here for you, and I’m not gonna let you sit here for even a second thinking you’re alone in this, you hear me?”  
  
Buck swallowed the lump in his throat.  
  
“I’m coming to your PT session today,” Eddie said. “Carla’s picking up Christopher from school, it’s all sorted.”  
  
Buck shook his head before Eddie had even finished speaking. “You don’t have to.”  
  
“I want to.”  
  
Buck laughed without humour. “I don’t need to tell you I’m not exactly great company right now.”  
  
Eddie snorted. “Yeah, I got that. I’ve been in a literal war zone, Buck; I’m not gonna give up on you just because you don’t feel like talking.”  
  
Buck mustered a half-hearted smile. “Thanks.”  
  
“Don’t mention it.” Eddie stood. “It’s in an hour, right? I’m gonna go looking for some decent coffee. Want me to smuggle some in for you?”  
  
“Please.”  
  
Eddie reached over to clap Buck on the shoulder. “Alright. Be right back.”

*

Buck had been quiet before. He’d been silent since Eddie had come back with the coffee.

It hadn’t thrown the physiotherapist at all. She’d been all smiles despite the stony glare Buck had been levelling at them both, almost as if she couldn’t feel the hostility coming off Buck in waves. But Eddie could.

He hoped she knew that this wasn’t Buck. This wasn’t _his_ Buck. His Buck had spent three hours helping Christopher build a science project for school. His Buck had taken over cooking duty during Bobby’s suspension and waited at the counter with bated breath for them to reassure him he’d done a good job. His Buck smiled wider and loved more than anyone else he’d ever met.

No. This was still his Buck. He just needed time to get back there again.

“Okay,” the physiotherapist - Charlotte, her name was Charlotte, that was it - beamed. “Let’s take it nice and slow, Buck. Sound good?”

Buck curled his fingers into the edge of the mattress, sat just far back enough on the bed for his legs to hang over the side without his feet brushing the floor. He stared disdainfully down at the grey tiles.

“Eddie and I are right here,” she reminded gently when Buck didn’t move. “We won’t let you fall.”

“Right,” Eddie nodded. “We’re not going anywhere. Trust me.”

Buck looked up at him slowly. There was a hesitance in his eyes that made Eddie’s heart ache, a glint of uncertainty and nervousness and, if he looked hard enough, fear. Right at the centre of it, there was fear. Eddie couldn’t tell if it was a fear of failure or a fear of humiliation, but just the sight of it on Buck’s face made him want to cry.

“Here.” Eddie moved closer and held out his hand. “If you need to lean on me, go ahead. I’ve got your back.”

Buck swallowed.

Charlotte moved to Buck’s other side. “Whenever you’re ready, Buck. Go at your own pace.”

Buck let his good leg find the floor. He took a slow, deep breath, and reached for Eddie’s arm.

“You ready?” Eddie asked quietly.

Buck didn’t answer. He put all his weight on his good leg as he pushed himself up, balancing himself against Eddie. His free hand instinctively sought out something else to hold on to; Charlotte took it, placing it on her shoulder.

“That’s good, Buck,” Charlotte praised.

Buck was trembling with the effort of it, but the exertion didn’t do anything to stop the scoff that came from his lips.

“You are,” Charlotte insisted. “You’re doing great. I just need a little bit more from you and I’ll let you call it a day, okay? A little bit at a time. That’s all we want.”

Buck’s grip tightened around Eddie’s forearm. His hands were cold against Eddie’s skin, clammy with sweat, and the bandage around the IV cannula no longer seemed such a contrasting white.

“You’ve got this, Buck,” Eddie murmured. “You can do this.”

Buck shook his head wordlessly, his face contorted into a grimace.

“Yes you can.” Eddie tightened his own grip on Buck’s arm. “You can do anything.”

Slowly, Buck lowered his other leg to the floor.

Eddie forced himself not to react when Buck leant nearly all of his weight on him. He pretended not to notice the way Buck’s hands shook, the way he screwed his eyes shut against the pain, the way he bit down on his tongue to stop himself swearing.

“Buck, you’re doing so well,” Charlotte encouraged, the smile still firmly in place. “Just a few more seconds.”

Those seconds felt like minutes to Eddie; he couldn’t imagine how long they must have felt to Buck.

“Buck, you’re amazing. How about we stop there and get you sitting down again? Sound good?”

Buck nodded tightly.

Between them, they manoeuvred Buck back until he could sink onto the edge of the bed.

“You did so well, Buck.” Charlotte rubbed his arm. She glanced surreptitiously at Eddie, still hovering by Buck’s side, and the smile of encouragement changed into something more knowing. “I’ll leave you alone for a little while, okay? I’ll come back and check on you later.”

Charlotte patted Eddie on the arm as she left the room, her footsteps echoing off the linoleum as she disappeared down the hall.

Buck let out a shaky breath. Then, slowly, he opened his eyes. ‘See what I mean?”

“About what?”

“About making a big deal out of nothing.”

“I told you already that this isn’t nothing, Buck. These things take time. You’ve just got to-”

“Take it steady, I know.” Buck scrubbed a hand down the side of his face. “But I don’t _want_ to. I’m tired of needing help just to stand up. I’m tired of _being_ so tired.”

“I know.” Eddie took up his station in the chair by the bed again. “But you’ll get through it.”

“You’ll all get tired of it too, eventually.” Buck sniffed. “Waiting around to see if I ever… you’ll all move on and I’ll still be here and-”

“Hey, hey, hey. Stop.” Eddie reached out a hand and squeezed Buck’s good knee. “Stop that. I told you we’re not going anywhere, didn’t I? And I told you I wouldn’t let you push us all away, right?”

Buck shrugged sullenly.

“I meant it. I wouldn’t lie to you, Buck.” Eddie ducked his head to catch Buck’s eye. “You won’t go through this on your own. However long it takes, I’ll be here. I promise.”

Buck looked skeptically back at him.

“This won’t be forever, Buck.”

“You don’t know that.”

“It won’t be,” Eddie insisted. “But even if it were, it wouldn’t matter. I’ll still be right here. No matter what.”

Buck didn’t answer. Instead, he placed his hand on top of Eddie’s. He took another deep breath, nodded once, and squeezed back.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! If you enjoyed it, I would be so so grateful for kudos and especially grateful for comments! 
> 
> You can find me over on Tumblr [here](http://lionheartedghost.tumblr.com/)!
> 
> Hope you're all staying safe and well, folks!


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